Alot of changes but still the same boredom...

Well, I had changes with my job and social life...I've been busy working and giving my friends rides to their work and stuff.  I no longer work at office nor the bank but now work at the warehouse and as the driver.  I love my job now but do not love the little hours I'm getting.  I need a 2nd job...and I hope I get it no matter what it is.  I'm hoping it's gas station or fastfood that will give me a lot of hours. 

I haven't seen my exes since the last blog so I pretty much have no lovelife or sexlife. 

My friends are too busy spending their money by doing the same thing in high school except this time they're in the legal age.  So that's boring. 

My weekends now consist of staying home too much which sucks but I have no choice cuz I'm very limited on cash--basically, I'm broke.

I need a 2nd job, need new friends, and a man to pay my bills.  So I guess I'll have to put myself back in the market again and hunt like a hungry wolf. hehe...wish my dad was around to pay my bills. Rest in peace father.

Bored or depressed...? Changes...

   I'm confused about my feelings these days.  I'm not quite sure if I'm depressed or just plain bored.  I think I'm depressed because I no longer have a boyfriend or a lover. Or could it be that I'm bored because nothing seems to excite me these days???  I'm probably feeling both...

  Changes, you ask? Hmm...let's see. I did make some changes but they were all hopes for the better. I changed my phone number so my ex lover would stop calling and also to block my family.  They're serious dramas and always get me depressed big time.  My job contract is coming to an end and soon I will be jobless.  However, I have applied other jobs and just now waiting for response.  I'm planning on moving someplace else soon and will be rooming with my 2 favorite friends in the world.  One's the unsociable judgmental harsh critical pessimist while the other is a dramatic party-goer hopeless romantic.  I think it'll be fun living with both...it's like living with the personalities of will, grace, jack, karen, and rosariio, except it's 2 ppl with their personalities.  

  I'm kinda looking forward to changes...and hopefully more adventures.  Now's a good time to make those lemonades.

When will my dream come true...?

I've been living my twenty six years of struggling and searching for something that I can't seem to reach. I lived my life like I was waiting...waiting for something...or someone.

When will I ever truly be happy? At times whenever I feel happy, I would find myself drifting off in my loneliness and wishing for more. I want what others have. No, not the material things...but rather the happiness in their new-found love. I want to be loved. I want to love. To love someone as he loves me. To be happy and just totally content in his love.

Yet whenever I'm with someone whom I think I love, I always find that it either doesn't last long or it's not worth prolonging. I'm always looking through the glass window wishing for someone to just reach out and touch me. If only I could just find that love that I'm longing for. That one love that will keep happy and alive for all eternity.

I just want someone to be there for me, to accept me for who I am, to cherish every moment with me, to do whatever it takes to keep me happy, and to love me no matter what...I just want someone to love and to be loved by.

I hate my family...I'm never gonna depend on them again. what useless nuisance!

I hate my fucken family! Talk about usless people! I ran into my auntie (from my mother's side) today and my cousin.  My cousin was having an orientation today! All my auntie asked was how I was and whether I was doing okay. I lied that I was. I told her that I was in the process of looking for a job and that hopefully I'll get it. Then she asked how could I when I didn't have a car so I answered 'that's why I'm gonna look for one that's nearby so I don't have to worry about transportation.'

Then my cousin came out of her orientation and was like 'i'm done.' I fucken hate  my cousin because everyone seems to want to please her ass. But when it comes to me, all they offer is a freaken ear but always for a very short time. They don't ask if I need money or a place to stay or let alone if I need food.  I wish there was someone out there who really care about me in every sense of the way like a very close family or best friend does. I'm so sick of being the odd one out just because they think my looks are better than everybody or because my mom says alot of bad stuff about me. Or better yet, of how I'm different from everybody else just because I don't like to socialize or do what is normal to them! I'm so sick of it! I'm fucken tired of wanting their approval or their satisfaction. I'm done! I'm done with them! I'm fucken done with them! From now on, they can go kiss my fucken ass! From now on, no longer will I try to be something I'm not just to please their ass! I'm not gonna ask for their help ever again! Fuck them! They can kiss my ass for all I care!

This semester wasn't that great for me...

This semester hasn't been that great for me...I've been through alot of problems and things just don't seem to go my way.  What's worse is that the friends whom I thought were my friends were really not.  My roomate is the same, yet at the same time, she's becoming a different person.  Most especially the guy who calls himself my cousin. 

I had a fling on spring break and it wasn't even good for me.  It was quite pathetic actually.  He wasn't my type but was just there I guess.  I don't think I would want to go back to him if he calls me and stuff.  My ex-boyfriend is dating my friend.  But she's only my neighbor though.  It pissed me off how fast my ex was able to start a new relationship.  I don't blame cuz I was the one who broke his in the first place so I did deserve it.  My other ex has been telling me that he wants to drink or 'hang' with me which is fine by me but I don't like his friends.  The problem is with him too.  He likes to brag too much about himself and would often think he's god's gift to women.  What a freaken loser!  The good thing is that he's really smart. hehe...

My roomate is typically stupid.  I'm so sick of her stupid nonsense attitude.  Two of our neighbors are her close friends (she's known them for about 2 years) and although they're very stupid when it comes friendship or relationship, my roomate tends to listen to them over me.  One of her close friend is basket case whose life is dramatical and the other thinks she's entertainment herslef. 

The basket case has a kid and is so much inlove with her stupid retarded boyfriend.  Get this, her bf has been breaking her heart so many times that it has become a normal thing for us to hear every freaken week.  This girl cares more for her bf than her kid which isn't right.  She went through stroke when she was pregnant with the guy's kid.  Then she stupidily entrusted her laptop and money to the stupid ass guy and you know what happened???  He had the gall to give it to his friends and spend all her money on liquor.  You'd figure that the girl would learn her lesson and not date him again but no.  She keeps going back to him.  She's obsessed with the freaken loser.  She went through alot of pain because of this guy.  What's more worse is that she's even willing to kill herself for the guy which I find funny and really really really fucken stupid. 

The other girl who sees herself as an entertainer thinks she's the brain just because she has a high GPA.  Sometimes smart people can be really stupid when it comes to relationships.  Now this girl has a bf in the military who she sees only once or twice a year and thinks that her bf is a loyal guy.  Name one military guy who is faithful excluding the gay guys?  Military guys travel all over the world.  Not a day goes by do they not get the urge or need to have sex.  What military guy would only settle with just jacking off when there are real girls around them?  No one.  They are easily tempted because of their location.  She also thinks she very random when the truth is that she's very predictable.  She also tries to talk dirty to one of our guy friends but her dirty jokes is not at that funny.  And also, she has the habit of using the baby voice whenever she wants my roomate to do something for her which is irritating the hell out of me!  Sometimes I just want to just punch her in the face or something cuz she's so annoying.  She thinks shes princess and that my roomate is her cook and our room is her entertainment center besides her laptop. 

Then there's my guy friend who thinks he's emo.  Now this guy is really too much.  This guy is smart at math.  He thinks he knows everything because of the people that he knew and the stuffs that he read but in all honesty, he doesn't.  This one comes over to me and my roomate's room and just literally bums off internet from my roomate's wireless.  This guy uses people but at least the good part is that he uses incentives such as money or food to get people to drive him to whereever he wants.  Whenever people asks about him having a girlfriend, he tends to lie.  He doesn't have a girlfriend nor does he have a bf.  I know him for three years and the truth is that he has a fear of sex.  He had an experience when he was a kid and from then he hates people touching him unless they're his family member or cousins.  He's a user who has a problem with lying.  But he only lies mostly when he's being asked about himself.

I'm so tired now. I'm gonna sleep. Nite.